five pics.

Some random pictures of my day. 

I got up at 8am...on a Saturday...why am I doing such things?! 

I went to the post office to pick up what Hannah sent me for my birthday. It was a bit challenging to find the post office. I have never been to that specific post office, but it's pretty cool to discover new parts of the city.

Hannah sent me that puppet, because we talked about stuffed animals when I visited her last week and I mentioned that I don't have stuffed animals anymore but sometimes wish I had one...so here we go, now I have one again :) Love it! 

After a hell of a lot grocery shopping (I always forget to buy something...I went to the grocery store three times today...and still forgot to buy something...bleh) I went to the bookstore to buy a friend whose birthday was in July a birthday present (Kathi, if you're reading this, I bought you a birthday present :P I'll sent it to you soon!) and as usual I checked if they have John Green's books. They never have English ones, which is sad, but I was happy to see a bunch of them in the German section (yes, four and about five more which aren't in the pic are a lot...it's so sad that they never have more). And that tag that shows where the letter G starts said Green, John. YAY! 

 And then I got bored while waiting for the subway and took a pic of my comfy clothes. I'm in love with my new shoes.

Maps are pretty. Is anyone else fascinated by maps? 

And that's what I cooked today. Like, I actually cooked something. I almost burnt the carrots, because my roommate came to chat with me and chatting while cooking is pretty dangerous. 

If you're having a hard time identifying what all these things on the plate are, it's turkey hen with mozzarella and tomatoes on top, couscous and carrots.

And that's it. Hm...

I'm confused now.

Happens sometimes.

...

Bye.

knock, knock.

Today's my last day as a teenager. I feel like I should be doing something special. But instead I'm staying at home doing nothing other than things I'm always doing. Just a bit crappier.
My blog is slowly turning into a blog about random, boring stories of my life. I have this weird urge to share all these things that happen around me. So, here we go:
This morning around 9am the doorbell rang, but nobody answered, so the person just went in. No, I'm not retyping my last post. It just happened again. I was still lying in bed, because I went to bed around 2am and planned to sleep as long as possible, preferable until like 2pm (more about that later). The people who walked in were the window cleaners who wanted to clean our windows (oh yeah, really? who would have thought that?). They first knocked at my roommates door, but she didn't answer first (I bet she was still in bed as well), so they just walked into her room. I hate that. Anyway, I jumped out of bed and left my room wearing my pajamas and really messy hair. I didn't care that three strange men saw me like that on my way to the kitchen.
So I sat there and waited until they were finished. I slightly paniced when I heard them dropping something and that one guy whispered "Careful". I thought they damaged something, but I couldn't find anything broken afterwards.
After they left I thought about going back to bed, but now that I got up I had to pee and this was a big problem and the reason why I wanted to sleep until 2pm.
They turned of the water from 8am to 3pm today to repair something. No water. No way to flush the toilet.
The good thing is, that I live right above a mall. And malls always have toilets. But it was a bit annoying to go all the way down to the mall just to pee.
I planned to sleep as long as possible, so I don't have to go to the toilet. Haha. I've been prepared really well for long sleeping. I danced around in my room for two hours straight (from 11pm to 1am) and that's better than every workout. It feels so good.
I'm doing this from time to time. It was the group of a few hundred teenagers who were in my way when I tried to get to the elevator yesterday, who made me doing it. Of course, they didn't tell me. I was just curious what concert they were waiting and it turned out that LMFAO were playing downstairs, which explained a lot.
I couldn't help myself. I had turn on LMFAO myself and then I started dancing.
And because blog posts without pictures are boring, here's a picture that shows the balanced diet of my roommate.

I'm going home for my birthday tomorrow and come back to Vienna on Thursday or Friday. I'll see.
(Actually, the reason I'm going home in the middle of the week is to see my psychotherapist, but saying that I'm going home for my birthday sounds nicer :) )
Have a nice week and I hope I don't bore you with my stories of my life as an university student. I'd have a lot more stories to tell. Like the one about the lecturer who...whatever. Bye!

it's interesting, boring and weird. it's the life of an university student.

Happy Friday, everyone. I hope you're having a good one. Mine was interesting, boring, weird. All these things at once. It started around 9am when someone rang the doorbell, but nobody answered, because we are university students and we don't get up at such an unholy early hour. So the person just went in. That's the very creepy part about living in a house for students. So many people have a key to your apartment. They could even walk into your room whenever they wanted. I try not to think about that too much, and I know that they don't do that. But it's sort of creepy. I have no idea what that guy wanted. Check something or whatever. He left after a few minutes.
I then took a shower, ate breakfast, cleaned my room a bit and ate lunch. Yup, there were only like 2 hours between breakfast and lunch. I'm a university student. That's the perfect excuse for every weird habit.
After that I left for university. And I wore this:

I took that picture in the elevator of our building. I had enough time, because our elevator is the slowest elevator I've ever used in my life. Like the one guy once said in the elevator "I always feel like I'm wasting five minutes of my day when I use this elevator." True.
Please do not suggest that I should use the stairs. I tried that once and I'm never doing it again! It was really scary. I went down and down and down and it got dark. And darker. And then I couldn't see anything anymore, so I had to use my cell phone as a flashlight and there weren't any doors to get out. There were just stairs going down into the darkness. This was horror! Who builds such things?!
I actually know who designed this building and they are a quite famous architectural design firm, but to quote my brother who studies archticture "Such things don't surprise me. Because I know who designed it." True.

Back to my outfit. It's super comfy. I'm having a very hard time to settle on a style, but I think that's the one I like best. Every time I wear something similar to that I feel happy. And every time I wear something like that I get the most stares.
I was so glad that I didn't get any stares when I went to university. At least I didn't notice any. But on the way home so many people looked at me.
I usually don't really care about it. When people just look at my clothes for a moment and then move on it's fine. I mean I do that as well from time to time. That's why I sometimes take street style pictures. But when they are looking at you, and then they're looking at you again, and then again, it's kinda awkward. I never know what to do.

Also on my way home I overheard a lot of conversations. And like five in a row where in English. Is this still Vienna? I'm not sure. I can't tell anymore. Why is everyone speaking English all of a sudden?
It's pretty cool though. And I love it that so many people who read books on the subway are reading English books. YES!

I spent my evening doing laundry and eating soup without soup. I'm not going to explain the soup without soup thing. This post is too long already and the story is too gross. But funny thing about the laundry.
Some friends of one of my roommate came over and this one guy went to the kitchen to wash something. Then he went back to my roommate's room and said to her "I couldn't find a dishtowel." All the time while he was in the kitchen I stood there in the corner putting about 10 dishtowels on the laundry rack. Hehehehe.

Have a wonderful weekend! :)

Sickness, Psychotherapists, Death by Cancer, Sniper with Air Rifle. (that's what that posts includes...)

(this post is very long. And there are probably many typos in it. I didn't read it again when I finished writing it. It's 2:30pm and I'm hungry. I'll probably read it again after lunch...until then...please ignore all kind of typos, weird structures or any other kind of mistakes. Thanks.)

It turned out that I haven't posted in two weeks. I sort of completely forgot about Blogger. I've only visited my dashboard three or four times and only read blog posts when someone tweeted about it. I don't know what happened. But there weren't any interesting events anyway. I'm just going to sum up everything here to bring you to up to date. I'll probably blog more again when I'm back in Vienna, which is next week.

If you follow me on Twitter you probably already know most of these things. You can either skip them or read them, because sometimes it's interesting to read the non 140 characters version of stuff ;)

I'm currently sick. Well, I'm already doing a lot better, but I've been sick the last couple of days. I had a high temperature. On Sunday I first sweated like crazy, which is good if you have fever. But then all of the sudden my whole body was shaking and I was freezing. It was awful. I was covered with a warm blanket and still I was freezing and then my mom came home from a walk and came into my room wearing a summer dress :/
Two hours later I was sweating like crazy again. All the fever is gone now, but I'm still a bit weak.

Let's jump back in time a bit. Three weeks ago I started a new psychotherapy. It was about time again, after 2 months without a psychotherapist. It's psychotherapist 3.0 now. Or 2.0 or 4.0, depending on how you count them. I prefer 3.0. I count them as 1.0, 1.5, 2.0 and 3.0, although 1.0, 1.25, 1.5 and 2.0 would be more accurate. (Why am I so weird?)
Aaaanyway. I've been there twice so far. The first impression of my new psychotherapist was a really good one. I liked the way she asked me question when we first met and that "What's your problem?" was NOT the first question. It's like the most annoying thing ever. It makes me feel so uncomfortable when I meet a new psychotherapist, who are all strangers to me and as you know one of my problems is that I can't talk to strangers (oh, how fun) and then they say "Hello" and next thing they say is "Why are you here? What's your problem?" uargh.
Here's a tip in case you ever need a psychotherapy and you're not a big talker, think about what you're going to say when they ask you about your problems and prepare as much as possible. They tend to ask you the question and then stare at you for 10 minutes while you are supposed to tell them about your whole life (or whatever) and they only make some noises like "mhm" and if there's nothing left you have to say, there's awkward silence and they keep staring at you making "mhm" telling you that you should keep talking.
Yes, psychotherapists really are like that, that's not something the film industry made up.
Of course, not all of them are like that. At least I hope so. And I've met 'only' four so far...
Back to my new psychotherapist. She seemed to really nice and I told her about all my problems and then I was really looking forward to the second session...and was disappointed afterwards. The same thing as always happened. She started to talk about my family, my family, my family and did I mention my family?
The thing is, that I didn't mention my family as a problem at all. I know that my family is...hm...I don't know how to describe my family...weird or something. It's not how a family should work, at least I think it's not the point of a family not to talk to each other. (nice example: my brothers never ask me how I'm doing. I can't remember if they've ever asked me "How are you?" Not even when I'm sick. If they want to know how I'm doing, they ask my mom...and I don't really tell my mom how I'm actually doing (emotionally, not when I'm sick), so I have no idea how they think I'm doing). But I don't care about my family situation. I don't have the wish to change it. I'm quite pleased that they leave me alone and I grew up like that and my plan for the next years is to fix my life, be able to live on my own, be able to work and be able to find friends. I'm not able to do any of these things right now, which is crap, because on the one hand I want to leave this house asap and live in my own apartment, but right now I'm not able to get out of that situation alone, so I need the help of my parents. I mean, I'm not even able to call a psychotherapist to get an appointment. My mom has to do these things for me, because strangers and especially calling people scares me. It's annoying. But I'm thankful that she does it, even though I have some issues with my mom (not going to talk about that...this post is already like kilometer long...).
But honestly, I could cry when I think about all the people social anxiety disorders out there. What if they are all alone? Not everyone has a mom or a good friend nearby who calls psychotherapists and comes with you for the first session because you wouldn't go there even if you already managed to get an appointment. (that's what would happen with me. So far my mom (and once Lena) came with me when I met a new psychotherapist. I wouldn't go there alone. It hasn't happened with psychotherapists, but it did happen with job interviews. I ended up in bed crying, because I was too scared. It's the worst thing ever). Who helps these people who are all alone? Who helps people who can't pick up the phone? Who helps people who are to scared to talk to strangers? They need help! But how? It makes me sad.
Okay, so my new psychotherapist talked about nothing else then my family, because apparently every psychotherapist thinks it's the most important thing on the earth to fix my family. And how do you fix my family? Right, you commission the youngest daughter of the family, who is depressed, hates her life and can't manage to get along alone with trying to fix the whole family situation. Sorry, but isn't that mission a little bit big for me? I don't care that much about my family situation and if someone thinks it should be different then they should send my whole family to a therapist, not just me. Because that's a problem between all my family members and not just me.
If she's going to keep talking about my family next time I'm going to complain about it.
I know that my family is probably also a reason why I'm doing like I'm doing, but I don't think it's okay to focus on my family and nothing than my family.
Sorry, that was a quite long story about the pain of psychotherapists. I could talk about them for hours...

Let's move on to something more exciting...which is not the case. I feel like only bad things happened in September. For example one of my best friends' mom died 1.5 weeks ago. She had cancer (again). She was diagnosed only about four or five months ago and everything went so fast. And she's only been 42 years old. It's terrible. She was such a friendly and warm-hearted person. I'm going to miss her :'(
And I have know how my friend is doing now. I haven't talked to her since August 1st. I really hope she's doing okay. I'll probably write her an email or something soon. I didn't want to 'annoy' her right after her mom died.
Quite a lot people (and animals!) died recently. I wasn't really close to any of them (except my grandpa who died in April), but it's really sad when they die and you'll never ever talk to them again. And it's so sad that when I'm going to visit my friend next time her mom won't be there and her dog won't be there either. Her dog died a month ago...from cancer.

Last bad thing before I leave you alone (congratulations if you made it that far). As I'm going back to Vienna next week. I was really looking forward to Vienna. It also means that I have to go back to my apartment where I feel amazingly uncomfortable and stuff, but you know...that's more or less okay. So I was looking forward to Vienna until my mom told me about a week ago that she heard on the radio that a sniper with an air rifle is going around in Vienna shooting at people from his car! Oh my freaking gosh! D:
I think it was the correct reaction to PANIC! I calmed down again a bit, because you usually don't die when you get shot with air rifle (unless you get shot in the eye...). Still, it's freaking scary that there's some crazy dude who shoots at random people. He shot about 18 people so far.
I hope they find that guy soon. Also there's always the risk that he switches to a real gun. I have no doubt that someone who has no probably aiming at random people wouldn't have a problem doing the same thing with a real gun.
So, I really hope I won't get shot.

That's it. Last last thing. In case you're wondering how my psyche is doing. Right now, I'm doing pretty good. Which doesn't mean that my problems are gone. I just done give a damn about them right now (which is most likely the wrong thing to do).

Have a wonderful day. And I hope your September was a full with awesome stuff.

uncut.

The uncut version of my feelings. I have to say I don't feel 100% comfortable about posting this for like a thousand reasons. I try not to post really personal stuff about my feelings too often and I did a good job on that so far. I don't like to talk about what's going inside of me and I don't want to bother people with my problems. I don't want them to worry about me etc. But I can't do this any longer. After being depressed for 1.5 years (or more) now, it doesn't work anymore. I feel like I have to tell some people. (Also I only have 9 followers, so I'm not bothering the many people *coughs*). I'm sorry.
And I say not so nice things about one of my best friends and my mom in this post...another reason why I don't feel that comfortable about posting this.
Just read it (or not). It's my journal entry from September 4th. And yes, I wrote this in English. It's easier for me to write such things in English and not in German. This says something about my social life. I'm out of here. I'm really sorry to bother you with this.


I want to hug someone. In real life.
I want to talk to someone. In real life.
I want to have friends. In real life.
I wantt to have a guy friend. For the first time in my life.
I could go on forever.
I don't want material things. All I want are people in my life who care about me, talk to me, love me. And I want to do the same things for them. It sounds easy. But it isn't.
I don't want to hear that people feel the same. Not from someone who has a boyfriend, has neighbors who talk to them and goes to university with a friend from school. She tells me that she doesn't have friends and the next moment she tells me how she went shopping with a girl from university.
Maybe she didn't become a frind of hers, but this is not what it means to be alone.
I'd give so much if someone wanted to go shopping with me. I don't even get that.
They don't know what it means to be alone.
They don't know how it feels to spend 100% of your day alone.
They don't know how it feels to not talk to someone other than family members, doctors and people who work at stores and restaurants for more than a month.
They don't know how it feels to go to university where everyone ignores you, even if you try to talk to them.
They don't know how it feels to be in your room all day long and never go outside, because you don't see any snse in leaving the house. Nobody out there is waiting for you.
I don't want to hear from my own mom that I shouldn't take my problems and depressions that serious.
I don't want to live with people who don't even understand how much they hurt me when they say things like that.
They tell me over and over again that I have to study and motivate myself. I can't. I tell them that I can't. But they keep sayingthat I have to.
And it hurts. I hurts so much.
Every time they tell me things like that I want to yell at them, smash things, collapse on the floor crying, run away. But I don't.
I gave up defending myself. I cried and shouted at them, but it didn't change anything.
They promised to help me, but they don't. I had to remind her that she promised that she wanted to help me. She forgot about it.
I don't want to live with people who forget about their promises. Who don't want to see their daughter suffers.
I'm not trying anymore. I take the pain how it comes.
I take their words. Don't say anything back.
I'm alone in this world.
I really am.

back to my normal.

It's around 9:30 PM. I'm sweating. It's still terrible hot. I have a head ache. And I currently hate my life.

But let's talk about what's new:

• I spent yesterday and today in Upper Austria and Salzburg. With my parents. It was hot. I felt tired all the time, because I'm not made for heat. There were tons of tourists in Salzburg. Photos coming soon (or never).
• Before I left for Salzburg I enrolled as an art history student at university. My reaction: "Okay." Lena's reaction: "Okay." 
• I just looked up how many classes I have to take this semester. I only have to take three classes, means I only have university on Mondays and Fridays.
• This literally calls for a job...or a psychotherapy.
• Since I'm not able to get a job without a psychotherapy I'll probably start one. But since I don't have the courage to start a psychotherapy I'll continue my shitty life. 
• I feel like Courtney Love wrote some of her song about me or for me. 
• I somehow stopped answering emails, even though I want to answer them. If you're out there and are waiting for an email and you feel like I've forgotten you. I'm sorry, I don't forget anyone. I feel terrible for what I'm doing to my friends. I told Lena (the only one I'm always talking to) to motivate me. Her answer: "You know my answer". (The answer is psychotherapy)
• I'm obviously destoying my "social life". 
• There are two things Lena tells me a lot. 1. that I'm weird. 2. that I should go and get help.
• I don't think I have to tell you more, I think you get the point.
  

oh look at my face.

I usually don't like to post tons of pictures just of my face. But hey! I got new glasses! :)
Also I just came out of the shower and my hair looked really nice and messy and I'm always up for a little webcam session with myself. Haha.

I seriously think that I look best in my pajamas right after taking a shower and messy hair. Anyone else out there thinking they look best that way?
Anything new in your life? Some awesome new shoes? A book you always wanted to call your own? Anything?

Before I go (go=Tumblr) here's my new music obsession: Hole.

(Celebrity Skin - Hole)

every day, once a day, give yourself a present.

This week I spent all day long watching Twin Peaks and doing nothing else. Yesterday I reminded myself, that I should probably watch less Twin Peaks and care a bit more about my social life. There are some emails I actually WANT to answer and I feel terribly bad about not reading and commenting at my favorite blogs. So my next plan after Twin Peaks is caring about my social life. Which will probably be tomorrow. I'm only 5 episodes away from the Twin Peaks finale and we all can be glad (in this case) that Twin Peaks has only two seasons.
Although I loved the series I'm looking forward to the end. Not only because of my social life, also because it keeps me awake all the time and I kinda want to go to bed before 1:30 in the morning again. Would be nice. Just saying. Also watching a series like Twin Peaks, which has some mysterious, scary (only scary at night) elements in it, late at night is not a good idea. Yesterday night a silverfish fell from the ceiling on my arm while watching Twin Peaks and I almost screamed and jumped out of bed. Dangerous stuff.

Other than that I don't do much. I'm still trying to figure out what to study, but I have to be honest, I don't spend much time thinking about it or actually trying to find a solution (damn you, time-consuming Twin Peaks!). The only thing I do is panic once a day and write a Tweet about my panic. I have 13 days left to make decision.
What I started to think about instead is school. Now that I'm away from it my aversion is even bigger. While I was at school I disliked it, because struggeled quite a lot and had enough of this whole circus. Now I could talk for hours about how crappy the Austrian school system is and complain about our messed up society.
School (at least my school) is pretty messed up. There's a lot that should be different and I'm not a fan of the school system of the US, but there are some things I like about it (small things) and we should also look a bit to Germany and maybe all the other countries and start to teach our students something instead of just bringing them through school, no matter how.
I'm planning on writing a blog post about something similar to that. About our messed up universities (yes, everything's messed up). They are far away from perfect.
Maybe deep inside I currently complain that much about school and university because I'm looking for something that's the reason for my messed up self. Not that I can feel that, but who knows what's going on deep inside of us.
Now that I think about it, why shouldn't I be messed up? School is a mess, university is mess, this only leads to me being a mess....whatever.
Bye. I have some Twin Peaks to watch.

"Harry, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it, don't wait for it, just let it happen. Could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black coffee. Like this." 

 -Special Agent Dale Cooper, Twin Peaks

color peaks.

It has been a while since I last wrote something on my blog. I wasn't busy or anything like that. My life was nice and uneventful which made me kinda relaxed that I didn't care about doing something.
I spent three days in Vienna. I went there because I was bored and hoped for more fun in the city. It turned into a three day shopping trip and I ended up with green pants, nice shoes and an external harddrive (just to name a few things I bought).
I also went to one of my favorite museums (it seems to be a new tradition that I go to an exhibition every time I spent some time in Vienna) and it was fun. For the first time I actually thought of bringing a pen and some paper to write down things I like. I'm really bad at remembering names, so my previous visits at museums went more like that
"Ohhh, that's an amazing piece of art. I'm going to keep that name in mind" ...a few minutes later... "Wow, I love that. Who's the artist? I'll keep that in mind too...wait, what was the name of the other artist? um..." ...five paintings later... "I like that too. I'll never remember that artist's name longer than 10 seconds! WHY DIDN'T I BRING PEN AND PAPER?! AHHH!"
This time I brought something to write and wrote down everything I liked. I went to the Museum of Art History where you can see the same paintings all year long, but they also have some extra exhibitions through the year. This time they had Jan Fabre and they put his art in the middle of the other old paintings and it looked really cool. He drew all his things with blue BIC ball pens and it was really impressive. I wondered how many ball pens he used for his work and then it reminded me of John Green and all his Sharpies he uses to sign his not yet published books.
Oh, and I also found two sleeping people while I was at the museum (which I also wrote down). Two men, one of them was a guy who works at the museum. Ha, sleeping at work! I caught ya!
Back home I didn't do much. I started to watch Twin Peaks yesterday night somewhere between one and four AM and I'm already obsessed. So good.
And today I made a skirt out of a dress. I had this dress for a while and never wore it. I wore it once, then my mom put it into the washing machine and when it came out again it was to small and especially way too short (not my mom's fault btw). That's why I cut of the the top and made a skirt of the bottom part. I like it now and hope to wear it soon.
Here are some pictures of all the stuff I just told you and other pictures of stuff, like my picture wall I made for my room at my parents' house. I finally have one here.

(1) new shoes. (2) one of the outfits I wore in Vienna. Shorts: Forever21, white top: NewYorker, blouse: H&M (customized: I cut off the sleeves and some other parts...which you all can't see), tights: ???, bracelet: gift from an aunt. (3) part of my picture wall featuring Elizabeth Taylor, Johnny Depp, Picasso, Twiggy and others (can you find them?). (4) bun and Zombicorns. (5) at the museum. (6) more pictures wall with Salvador Dalí, Yuri Gagarin and others. (7) my "new" skirt. (8) screenshot from Twin Peaks. (9) more picture wall.

I hope you had a great week as well. I'm off now watching some more Twin Peaks and probably think about what to study at university. Yes, you heard it right. I'll probably return to university. Blah. I have 17 days left to decide what I want to study, so fingers crossed that I figure it out soooon.

math is cool.

Antonia shares some of her tragic school stories

Yes, you heard it right. I really like math. I love it. I also like physics, I'm in deep love with astronomy, and I think pretty much every kind of science is cool.

So, okay. Now what? What do I want you to tell you?

If I showed what I've just written here to my former math/physics/chemistry/biology/etc. teachers, they would all look at me and would probably asked me if I lost my mind.

The thing is that I love all these things (except biology and chemistry...more about that later), but I suck at it A LOT. And it drives me crazy!

10th grade. 

9th grade was a bad year for me. I felt like I was about to lose my brain and intelligence. Before I started 9th grade I've always been an excellent student. Got nothing else than As and Bs, finished every year with only As in every single subject without putting much effort in it.
Then 9th grade happened and I felt like I was about to lose my brain and intelligence. It was a bad year for me and only bad once followed. My subjects in which I failed the most were all the science related subjects. Seriously, I had to learn how to study. It was completely new to me.

I didn't get problems with math, but I managed to achieve almost every possible grade within a year. I've always been an excellent math student. Until the end of 8th grade I've always been one of the best (sometimes I actually was the top one) of my grade in math. It was super easy for me and I loved it.
After that everything went down a bit and then it went down a lot and then it went up again and managed to get a B at my final exam.
I suffered a lot through math. There have been a lot of lessons where I sat in the classroom listening to my teacher, fascinated by the world of math, but I didn't get what the heck he was talking about. I wanted to understand it so badly. I was no longer math mastermind who reaches more points than possible in exams. I became an average teenager who has to fight for good grades. And teachers didn't even remember that I once was good at all these things. When I started to fail at everything some teachers came up to me and asked what's wrong...nobody did that after 2 years of failure...
Though I suffered the most with math due to the fact that my passion for it hasn't died, it wasn't the biggest problem.

I always found physics quite fascinated but really difficult. I only passed it every year because our teacher sort of taught us only the "easy" things, because we were a group of nine glorious physics idiots and he didn't want that ALL of his students fail at his subject. And my dad studied with me all the time. He's brilliant and knows so much. I'm glad he was there for me.
I really wish I would understand it, because of my love for astronomy. Geez, I love astronomy so much. If I were better at physics I'd totally study it at university. But I suck, suck, suck at it.

Chemistry. Oh dear. I could write a book about 'me and chemistry'. The worst thing that ever happened to me. First of, I'm extremely scared of all chemicals. When we had to experiment with chemicals I always tried not to touch to much and let my friends do the things were you had to handle with this stuff. Seriously, chemicals scare the crap out of me! And I was horrible at everything else too. During my last two years at school I had to do almost every exam at least twice. I think I did one of the oral exams three times to get a positive grade in chemistry. Again we were the same nine glorious idiots, except that not all of us sucked at chemistry and our teacher was not as nice as our physics teacher. And again I somehow managed to get every possible grade within a year.

And then there was biology. Biology has always been this subject I didn't really care about. It has been there. It was nice, not too difficult, easy to manage. And then 11th grade happened and I got really angry. Our biology teacher believed that everything in our biology book is extremely important and everything beyond that too. So we had to study all the time and wrote 5 big exams every year and for each exam we had to study between 50-70 handwritten pages+all the stuff in our book. Which is university style not school style.
I've never been a person who liked to study and there are few things I dislike more than sitting down and try to memorize 60 pages of some stuff you're going to forget again anyway after the exam. That's why I went over to the technique to study only about half of it to get a positive grade. My teacher wasn't that amused about this technique and before the finals (I had to take biology for my oral AND written finals!) she looked at me every biology lesson and said all worried "What are we going to do with you?"
What we did? Not much. I used the same stragedy for my final exams and studied only half of it and for my oral exams I only studied only like a third...um...it was risky. But I passed. Somehow.

That's only my short story about science. My life at school wasn't easy. I literally transformed from a mastermind into an idiot.

I tell you, if I hadn't lost my intelligence when I was 15 I would most likely study math or astronomy at university. I'm not kidding.

PS.: Calling myself an idiot doesn't mean that I see myself as a completely stupid person. I know that I have a certain intelligence. It's just that I finished 8th grade as an excellent student and after the summer break I returned as someone who permanently failed and got bad grades. It wasn't easy for me. I didn't understand the world anymore and it wasn't easy for me to accept that school is no longer easy and that I'll never get back to good grades.
This whole thing turned me into a student who doesn't give a damn about school and grades...I'm not sure what to think about that. It makes me cry and the same time I'm totally fine with it.

PPS.: Sorry if this post was amazingly boring for you. I got the urge to write this down...

"You mustn't eat until Wednesday" *drops dead*

Hello, again. I'm still alive (more or less). Thanks for all your comments and thoughts on my last post. It was great to hear what you think about the internet/blogger/social network pages.
I'm not going to give up Blogger. Don't worry about that and I only blog when I want to blog. I've always done it like that (well, most of the time...but the last year, yes). So boring or not, I'll stick around here until I completely lost interest.

I'm going to post some pictures of my room and stuff later. I'm in the middle of re-decorating my room and I'm done with half of it. I'm not completely sure if I'm done with this wall, but for now it is.

I heard that it's extremely hot in the US. Well, we got rain, rain and rain and it's cold. It snowed in parts of Austria. I mean, WHAT? It's July!
So I stayed inside pretty much all the time and this picture sums up what I did the last 3-4 days:

Knitting puppets and spending the whole day on Tumblr. That's my life at the moment.
And yes, the puppet to the right is unfinished.

Last but not least, I mustn't eat until Wednesday midday. I went to the doctor today and they sent me to the hospital where I should get an appointment for a colonoscopy (click the link if you don't know what that is). I got one for Wednesday morning and now I'm not allowed to eat until then. The doctor was like "You already ate breakfast today, that's enough, now you can start with defecation" I was already starving when he said that. It was around lunchtime and all I wanted is FOOD.
Now I hope that I'm not going to starve to death. :(
Oh, and they took another blood sample. What did I say a few days ago about blood samples? Right: "If they want one more I'm going to...I don't even know what." So, I'm off now...to do...I don't even know what.

I hope you all a have wonderful Monday with nice but not to hot weather and plenty of food you're allowed to eat.

Notes and Thoughts

An update. What's going on in my life. Completely random stuff.

I finally figured out how to get infinite scrolling for my Tumblr theme. It took me more than a month and it drove me crazy, because I can't stand Tumblr blogs without infinite scrolling. Now I got it and it was dead simple. I just had to click on something in the settings *headdesk*

Sometimes I wonder if my brother (his room is next to mine) can hear what I'm listening to all day long and if so what he's thinking about me listening to the same song practically non-stop. Hm... (I'm talking about the song A Little Less Conversation by Elvis vs JXL)

Doctors took three blood samples from me within the last three months. grrrrr. If they want one more I'm going to...I don't even know what. It's getting on my nerves.

My mom told me that we (my brothers and I) never drew or painted on our walls or furniture when we were little. We were nice kids, weren't we? But it's a bit boring the same time ;)

Future update: I don't know where this is going. I start considering university again. All this job hunting stuff sucks and having a job means that you don't have much free time and I want free time!!! Also I think it would be better for me at my age and situation and blablablabla...

Of course I have no idea what to study. I think it would be fun to study something about art or fashion, because I like art and fashion and I can imagine (kinda) working in a museum or something like that. But you can't study anything interesting about art or fashion in Vienna. Argh! You can study History of Arts, which sounds interesting, but fashion-wise there's nothing. Just Fashion Design. I'll never figure out what to do with my life. :/

I don't know what to do with my summer break. First off, is this even a break? I mean if I'm not going back to university I should apply for jobs right now and try my best to get one. No, I'm not doing that. If I'm going back to university I have more than 2 months left and nothing to do.

Travelling is not an option. No money, no travelling. I'm still hoping that my parents are going on vacation and take me with them (and pay for me of course...haha). Which is not that much fun (seriously...my parents are way beyond complicated when we're going on vacation), but it's better than nothing. I was thinking about travelling through Austria by train (I bought a ticket for less than €40 and I can go whereever I want (inside of Austria) without paying extra...which is awesome). I wanted to start this whole thing with a short one-day trip to Salzburg this week/weekend. What happened? Health problems. Means I can't go anywhere the next week probably weeks until they know what's wrong with me. asfdghjkl.

So, no idea what I'm going to do with my summer break. Probably knitting more creepy puppets. That's what I did last night...sigh...

What are you doing with your summer break?

plan: try to survive.

It's Monday but I'm already stressed out. Well, not really, but I know that I'm going to be stressed out by the end of the week so when I just think about that I'm already mentally stressed out. Does this make any sense? I doubt it.

I went on a train-bus-train adventure to go to Vienna today (train replacement bus service...yay! :/ ), which takes about 2,5 hours with a lot of running and rushing and did I mention before that I hate busses? No? Okay, I hate busses. My least favorite way of travelling. It's awful.
I went to Vienna because I have a job interview tomorrow morning. My first job interview EVER. Oh my gosh, I'm already dying. I'm not nervous. I don't get nervous easily. I'll be a bit nervous tomorrow, but now it's more fear. I hope it goes well and I hope that I get this job. I want this job!
After the the job interview I'll hurry to get home to my room in Vienna, grab all my stuff and take the subway to the train station to go on another train-bus-train adventure to get home to my hometown.
On Wednesday I'm going to see a doctor. 45 min in the car. Appointment. 45 min back. At home I'm going to eat lunch, grab my stuff, hurry to the train station and go on my third train-bus-train adventure of the week to get back to Vienna.
Because I have a second job interview on Thursday. I'm not a big fan of that job, but I need money, I can't be picky when it comes to jobs.
I think I don't have to write down what I'm going to do after the job interview...right...I'll be on my way to the train station to go on my fourth (and hopefully last) train-bus-train adventure of the week.
And that's not enough. I have to get up really early on Friday, because I have to go to Graz to attend a driver safety training. I'm so not looking forward to that. I have to do that. Everyone in Austria has to do that about 9 months after you got your driving license. Stupid law.
It would be okay if it was only 2 or 3 long, but no. It starts at 8 a.m. and ends at 3:15 p.m.!
And after that I'm dead. I'm quite sure about that. I don't know how I should survive this week.
I don't like it when all the important stuff happens to be in the same week. My plans for next week? Hah, I don't have any. I don't have anything planned for the next weeks...months...years. But this week...aaaaargh!

Don't worry if you don't hear much from me this week, I'll probably be on/in a bus/train/car trying not to die.
I hope your week is less busy.

one day when i'm weirder than now...

I haven't talked about my life in a while. I will do this soon, later this week maybe. I still have three days of university to kill plus an exam on July 5th. Not that I'm busy studying and preparing for the exams, I just have nothing to talk about at the moment. But some things are going on and maybe I have to tell you more in a week.
Until then I will serve you some more art and weirdness.
One of these weird things about me is that I love blue hair. Like a lot. I LOVE it. I don't know where this obsession came from. It's just here. Blue hair can be super pretty and also super ugly. But if it is a good shade of blue and you care about your hair it looks amazing.

Sources: left via. middle via. top right via. buttom right via.

I can't imagine dying my hair blonde or black, but I can imagine dying it blue. I bet I would look awful with blue hair, but I can still dream, right?
Maybe one day when I'm even weirder than now I'll do it. And maybe when I have a job where it doesn't matter that I have blue hair. And maybe after I left Austria. Blue can be a dangerous color here.
Would you like to dye your hair? If so, which color?

Hello, I'm back and busy.

I'm back from Italy. I have quite a lot to say about my vacation, but not now. I'm tired and exhausted and there's nothing I want more than going to bed.
I planned to write about some things today but it turned out that when I came home I had to grab some magazines and a scissor to do some crafting. My brain was almost bursting from all the ideas I have.
I have so many ideas and most of them are impossible to turn into real things. There's always a reason why I can't finish or even start the project. Sometimes it's the lack of equipment and stuff, sometimes I don't have the skills and sometimes my ideas are that crazy that nobody could turn them into something real. That's frustrating.
It's frustrating to spend hours working on something and then you can't finish it because of some stupid things you don't have. There are so many unfinished things lying around in my room.
I don't know why I'm suddenly that crazy about doing creative stuff. I mean it's good, but it came out of nowhere and I almost do nothing else than creating collages, listening to music and write tweets and emails. That's my day.
And I don't know what my mom is thinking about it. I showed her my collages (the space one and the fashion one). She said "cool" to the fashion one and asked what space means at the other one (my mom doesn't know that much English...). Today I printed out a whole page full of alarm clocks because I couldn't find any in my magazines (about 10 magazines and not a single alarm clock?!). My mom saw the paper coming out of the printer. "Eew, who needs a page full of alarm clocks?" I need them and what so wrong about alarm clocks that she had to say eew? My life is not easy... :/
Okay...I'm just rambling here. Before I go, two pictures of upcoming stuff.

 A post about Italy. Picture taken by my mom.

More art. This collage of a room is part of an unfinished project. I hope to get it done by the end of the week...

I try to catch up with all of your blog posts tomorrow or Wednesday. I have to go to Vienna tomorrow and do some homework and on Wednesday I have to go to university and go back to my hometown again. So I'm busy right now. I just came home from vacation and I'm already busy...sigh...

This post comes to you in three parts.

No outfit post today. Instead I'm going to ramble around while I'm sneezing the life out of my body. A cold? Nope. Allergy. Allergies should be banned.

1. I started a workout program yesterday. The Tracy Anderson Dance Cardio Workout.
I chose this one because it includes dancing and I LOVE dancing. Dancing has always been an important part of my life. I started with ballet when I was 5. And I did ballet and hip hop on and off ever since then.
I stopped dancing (and any other sport or physical activity than walking) last May and I miss it so much. When I figure out what to do this fall I'll probably take dance lessons again (some sort of dancing...don't know what).
I started with the Dance Cardio Workout yesterday and I love it. But it's difficult. You have to learn quite a lot moves and they are not easy. When she explained the first choreography step by step I stood there and thought "What the hell is she doing???". And when she danced it as fast as it should be danced for the songs I thought I'd never get this.
But today I managed to learn two choreographies (with a few weak points) and I almost died while dancing. I was super exhausted and I didn't know that that ENTIRE human body can sweat.

2. I don't know if you heard about that, it's June. ;)
June in Austria means a lot of holidays. Thursday was a holiday. Next Sonday+Monday is a holiday and there's another holiday the week after that. For those of you who don't know it, Austria has a lot of holidays. We have them all the time. And schools/university/stores are closed on holidays. Fun :)
So, next weekend is Pentecost and my mom had the great idea to go to Italy over the weekend if the weather is nice.
I got really excited when I heard that. I so hope that the weather is nice. I need vacation. I need the beach. I need the ocean. I need to get out of here. Please!
Sadly the weather forecast isn't that good. They predict quite a lot of rain and also the temperature is falling.
I really hope that they'll predict better weather soon.
I haven't been on vacation in a while and I have to get out of here and see something other than Vienna and my hometown.

3. I started to see a life coach every week. I've been there for the first time last week and it felt so good afterwards. I was there again yesterday and this time I felt terrible. I don't know what's going on.
Over the last couple of months I had days (or let's say nights) when I suddenly got really angry, mad and depressed. The last time I had this was about a month ago. But yesterday I had it again. It was awful.
Most of the time when I have such "attacks" I start to hate everything and most of the time it's something from the internet, which is easy to explain, because the internet is my life (there aren't many other things in my life than the internet). Yesterday I was tempted to delete my whole internet presence.
Thanks goodness I didn't.
The problem is, that I don't know what to think about this. Why do I have a life coach when it makes me feel depressed? And why do I want to delete my internet life? The place I love so much. The place where I have friends and I feel at home. This doesn't make sense to me...

I hope you have a lovely weekend. Bye.

a week made of awesome.

I don't know why, but this week seems to be made of aweseome. It's the best week I had in ages. I told you about my Monday. It was awesome. My Tuesday was great as well. There were so many funny conversations on Tuesday. My favorite:

Email conversation with Lena.

Me: I have to kill 30 minutes. What shall I do?

Lena: Stare at the sky.

Me: No. I'm jumping around in my room.

Lena: Seriously?

Me: Yeah.

Lena: You're weird.

Me: How often have you already told me that?

Lena: About 539072658 times?

She really tells me all the time that I'm weird. But I'm proud to be weird :)

I also found an amazing pair of shorts at Forever21. I hope that I'm going to wear them this summer. I have an obsession with buying shorts. I have so many of them but I hardly ever wear them. But this time I will (hope so).

Tuesday was the day where awesome person Ines guessed that I'm blogger. The thing is, that my friends in real life don't know about all the things I'm doing on the internet. I feel uncomfortable talking about it, because all the people I know in real life don't understand the awesomeness of the internet. Every time I mention something about the internet I get weird looks or they don't take me seriously or they say that it isn't interesting etc. Ines started guessing what I'm doing all the time and she guessed it right. I'm glad she did. It's a relief :)

Oh, and Tuesday was also the day where Kinsey shared the song Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis with me and I can't stop listening to this song anymore. I listened to it on YouTube for a while, but due to the fact that my internet hates YouTube I decided to buy it on iTunes and it didn't take long to become the most played song in my playlist (124 times).

Listening to this song made me realize that 2007 was a great year for music (Chelsea Dagger is from 2007). I created a playlist in my iTunes just for songs between 2005 and 2008. Love it!

Wednesday was good as well. Not that many awesome things, but for a Wednesday it was awesome. A day where I just go to university and then hurry to get home to grab my suitcase, hurry even more to get to the trainstation to get on a train to Wr. Neustadt where I have 10 minutes to catch the next train home. Which means that I'm leaving my apartment in Vienna at 2:15pm and arrive at home at 6:10pm. 

The best thing was the good-looking guy on the train (who sadly had a girlfriend). I can be a pretty creepy person when it comes to good-looking guys. Last week I saw one on the subway and guess what, I took a picture of him. This time there was a handsome guy on the train and guess what, I took a picture of him. CREEPER! 

But I don't worry about that. I won't even think about them anymore in a few days. Not big of a deal. I just don't know what to do with the picture. It turned out pretty good. I mean I took it secretly so he won't notice what I was doing. ;) 

Okay, okay, let's move on to today.

I worked out today. I'm super proud and I hope that I'm going to work out more often from now on. And after the workout I ate pizza. That's how it works, right? ;)

Then I realized that I reblog birds and space all the time on Tumblr. I love birds and space. Space is fascinating and birds are...birds. I always liked birds and I think the movie The Birds is hilarious...maybe that's why.

And I changed my desktop background for the first time. It's strange to see a different picture after 10 months of my beloved DFTBA wallpaper...I miss it a bit...

And the best thing about this week: I started to fight against my angst, depression and all the other crap in my life. I'm serious this time. And it will work. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but at least I get professional help and I can't do it without anyone's help.

So let's hope for the best! :)

I give you an imaginary cookie and a big smile for reading this whole post. :)

Bye.

my mind is dancing happily

Today was a good day. Filled with small things. Small things that made me happy.
It started early in the morning when I got up early enough to take a shower and wash my hair. It happens too often that I can't do that on mondays. I usually crawl out of bed late and grumpy.

I actually made it to university. Another fantastic thing. I think most of you know that I'm not a big fan of going to university. I had Dutch (and after that History of the Netherlands...but I skipped that one...I haven't been there since...um...I've never been there) and we got back our mid-term exam.

And I got 80 freaking points out of 100!!! 

I almost did a happy dance. This is amazing. This is the first exam I passed since october and I didn't study for this one. I hate studying and I don't do things I hate, that's why I don't study (that's logic! :P). And I was sick the day before the exam and I felt sick while writing it as well.
So 80 points are amazing (our teacher said everything above 70 points is really good). Take that, university! (I have a bunch of things I would like to tell university right now, but this would contain a lot of cussing...so please just imagine it...or skip it and continue reading).

My day went on with me cooking lunch (a rare moment) and making plans what to do with the afternoon. There were a bunch of things I wanted to do and I decided to take pictures. I packed all my 3.5 cameras (the .5 is my cellphone) and went outside to carry them around for hours without taking a single picture. That's the only thing about today that wasn't great.
Instead I kinda went shopping. And I ran around in my new shoes. I love them!

Sorry, this pic is a bit blurry. Taking this picture included an acrobatic stunt where I almost fell from my chair.
I love them. They are so red and comfy and I can walk with them without looking drunk (I'm not used to heels and I tend to tumble even with flats...yup, balance is not my strength).
And then I found this book:

The day I swapped my Dad for two goldfish - Neil Gaiman (words) and Dave McKean (pictures)

I always wanted to have a book by Neil Gaiman. I heard so much about him. Now I own a picture book by him. And guess what. I got it for ONE Euro! One instead of 19,95. WIN! 

I already love this book. It's not the best picture book I know but the story is funny and I laughed a lot and look at the illustrations. Amazing!

This was my day.

 I like it when small things make me happy. :)

Btw, are my posts too long? My posts are pretty long at the moment and I'm worried that I bore you...please let me know if they are too long. Thanks :)

Ps: Thanks again for your comments on my post about the unfollowing. You guys are awesome :)

an anniversary post because TOMORROW is my blog anniversary.

Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my blog. Yay! I love blog anniversaries. I like them more than my own birthday...um...no comment...
I still don't have a lot of ideas for my blog's little birthday. There will be a giveaway most likely someday pretty soon. I have an idea for that, but I'm not sure how it'll turn out and first I have to make it. Means a lot of thinking and crafting over the weekend (which starts tomorrow afternoon...do I ALWAYS have to point out that my weekends start wednesday afternoon? Apparently, yes).

This is a pre-anniversary post. I don't have anything better to do, except going to university...where I should be right now...but who cares about university? That's why I'm sitting in bed with my pj pants on (it's 4 pm) listening to Tom Milsom. I just downloaded some more of his music, which he gives away for free (or you can pay if you want) and every time I download something I feel bad for not paying. But one day when I earn my own money I'll download some of his music again, just to give him money. I really want to do that :)

The last year was amazing. Internet-wise. My real life is nothing else than a mess. So many things happened. My first blogger year was good as well, but I feel like the second year was much better. I got closer to my followers and I feel at home when I open Blogger.
I'm also much more me now. I've always been me, but it was hard for me during the first year to be 100% me without trying hard to be perfect. I'm not perfect.
I also met some awesome people. I totally count Shaynie and Hope to my best friends now. Thank you! :)

I entered the world of Twitter, which was one of the best things I've ever done. I refused another year to join Facebook, which is also one of the best things I'm doing...avoiding Facebook.
And finally today at 5:30 am (or something like that) I joined Tumblr. Which was also a long way. I always thought Tumblr is great, but I never wanted to join it. Recently I followed a bunch of Tumblr blogs wihout having a Tumblr, which turned out to be hard. Imagine following 10-15 blogs wihout having them in your Reader or on your Dashboard.
That's why I joined Tumblr. My Tumblr ist called "scraps of old volumes, wire and glue". Check it out and feel free to follow (and you are also welcome to do this crazy thing where you follow it without having Tumblr, which I have to warn you will turn into you making a Tumblr).

My Tumblr titles comes from one of my favorite songs ever. The Worm in the Apple - Ezra Furman and the Harpoons.
Titles...hm...I like the title for my Tumblr and I'm okay with my blog title. It could have been worse. I chose this name two years ago, when I had no idea how to name things and my English wasn't the best back then.
Another good thing. My English is much better now. When I started two years ago I could have never written such a long post. The internet is the best way to learn English.

Now, this was a lot of rambling. Before I go and try to find something to eat (haven't eaten anything yet...only some chocolate) enjoy this little video. I put together a video with all the pictures I took with my webcam since December 2010. I love to play around with my webcam.
Bye.

Music: Four-Foot Squirrel - Tom Milsom

lost and yellow experiences

My fist day back to university was pretty much how I expected it. I didn't go. It's easy not to go to university and it's so wrong.
I got up around 8am and found out that Osama bin Laden might or might not has been killed yesterday or someday other by someone somehow and has been thrown into the sea immediately. Um...cough. Whatever.
I didn't want to stay at home the whole day. I took my bag, put in my cameras and ran outside into the sunshine to take some pictures. Well, I spent the first hour on the subway and at the post office. Going to the post office around lunch break time is a bad idea. At least Hank's birthday card is on the way.
After a speed tram ride (scary!) and a bit walking I reached the so called Strudlhofstiege. These stairs are amazing!

After taking the pictures I decided to stroll around a bit more and I got completely lost. I'm not familiar to the 9th district. Everything's pretty there, but I ended up somewhere and I wished to shout "Where am I?". I had no idea. It was the first time that I got lost in Vienna. I found my way back (I got on a bus and hoped to end up where I wanted). I have to say, getting lost is an interesting experience and I'm suprised that I didn't panic (okay. I had a map with me...which I didn't use...).
This day was full of experiences. Old and new ones. Getting lost was new, people staring at me because I wore yellow tights was old. I'll never understand why people like to stare at my legs when I'm wearing yellow tights (funny thing: only women are staring. Men don't care). I don't care. Yellow tights are the best. I love them.
Bye for now. I'm going to take a nap and then I'm going to eat dinner with my Dad. Free dinner at my favorite restaurant is awesome.

Note #01: I'll blog a lot in May. Just to warn you ;)