uncut.

The uncut version of my feelings. I have to say I don't feel 100% comfortable about posting this for like a thousand reasons. I try not to post really personal stuff about my feelings too often and I did a good job on that so far. I don't like to talk about what's going inside of me and I don't want to bother people with my problems. I don't want them to worry about me etc. But I can't do this any longer. After being depressed for 1.5 years (or more) now, it doesn't work anymore. I feel like I have to tell some people. (Also I only have 9 followers, so I'm not bothering the many people *coughs*). I'm sorry.
And I say not so nice things about one of my best friends and my mom in this post...another reason why I don't feel that comfortable about posting this.
Just read it (or not). It's my journal entry from September 4th. And yes, I wrote this in English. It's easier for me to write such things in English and not in German. This says something about my social life. I'm out of here. I'm really sorry to bother you with this.


I want to hug someone. In real life.
I want to talk to someone. In real life.
I want to have friends. In real life.
I wantt to have a guy friend. For the first time in my life.
I could go on forever.
I don't want material things. All I want are people in my life who care about me, talk to me, love me. And I want to do the same things for them. It sounds easy. But it isn't.
I don't want to hear that people feel the same. Not from someone who has a boyfriend, has neighbors who talk to them and goes to university with a friend from school. She tells me that she doesn't have friends and the next moment she tells me how she went shopping with a girl from university.
Maybe she didn't become a frind of hers, but this is not what it means to be alone.
I'd give so much if someone wanted to go shopping with me. I don't even get that.
They don't know what it means to be alone.
They don't know how it feels to spend 100% of your day alone.
They don't know how it feels to not talk to someone other than family members, doctors and people who work at stores and restaurants for more than a month.
They don't know how it feels to go to university where everyone ignores you, even if you try to talk to them.
They don't know how it feels to be in your room all day long and never go outside, because you don't see any snse in leaving the house. Nobody out there is waiting for you.
I don't want to hear from my own mom that I shouldn't take my problems and depressions that serious.
I don't want to live with people who don't even understand how much they hurt me when they say things like that.
They tell me over and over again that I have to study and motivate myself. I can't. I tell them that I can't. But they keep sayingthat I have to.
And it hurts. I hurts so much.
Every time they tell me things like that I want to yell at them, smash things, collapse on the floor crying, run away. But I don't.
I gave up defending myself. I cried and shouted at them, but it didn't change anything.
They promised to help me, but they don't. I had to remind her that she promised that she wanted to help me. She forgot about it.
I don't want to live with people who forget about their promises. Who don't want to see their daughter suffers.
I'm not trying anymore. I take the pain how it comes.
I take their words. Don't say anything back.
I'm alone in this world.
I really am.