dear H&M, you are about to lose a costumer.

Hi, I'm Antonia. I'm 5'7'' and weigh 120 pounds.

And I don't fit into size S clothes at H&M.

There is something wrong about the statement above. No, I didn't lie about my weight or my height. It's also true that size S clothes at H&M doesn't fit. It's wrong that someone like me doesn't fit into size S clothes.
I've always been a size S, also at H&M. But what happened today shocked me.
I went through the store and picked a lot of clothes. I picked them all in size S, because that's what I always pick and that's what usually fits. Sometimes I need XS, but there can't be anything wrong about picking a S.
Surprise in the fitting room. I couldn't get into a longsleeves t-shirt, I literally got stuck half way. I couldn't button the blouse. And I could hardly breathe in that cute sweatshirt. I felt like I was accidentally shopping in the kids section.
I got angry. What are they doing? Are they insane? How can they make a size S that small? They definitely don't know what they're doing.

I didn't get that mad because I don't want to buy size M from now on, I wouldn't care about that as long as I like the clothes. I'm angry because I thought of what a lot of people might think when they're used to wear a size S and suddenly can't get into a jumper anymore.
They most likely think that they have to lose weight.
And now look at my height and my weight. Would you recommend someone with these stats to lose weight?

I never thought that I would ever talk about something like that on my blog. But my first thought I had in the fitting room was that this is freaking pro-ana.
Imagine a girl who hates her body and thinks that she's fat, even though she isn't. She walks into H&M. Picks something in size S. She goes to the fitting room, tries the piece of clothes and it doesn't fit.
That's probably the exact endorsement that girl wanted. She's fat. Even size S is too small for her. Let's lose weight. And reach the goal. Which maybe isn't size S, more XS. And I don't want to know what kind of wreck you have to be to get into XS.

I don't understand what's wrong. What do they want to reach by making small that small? I mean, as I said, they haven't always made their clothes that small.
I left the store with a hoodie in size L (M was okay, but I wanted it a bit more comfy). But I seriously consider not to buy any clothes at H&M until they changed back to normal sizes.
On the other hand, I don't know where to buy clothes anymore. They're all messed up.

"Maybe we should be like trains sometimes."

Please don't be scared by the length of this post. I had the idea of posting one of my journal entries a long time ago. The problem is, that I usually write my journal entries in German. And I tell you, translating what I write in my journals is almost impossible. Translating it without losing the character of my writing is impossible for me.
It happens from time to time that I write in English (sometimes my feelings and thoughts come in English...I spend way too much time reading and writing in English). So I decided to write in English today and made the decision to post it. I didn't expect it to be that long. Sorry for that.
I talk about last night, the speed of the internet and life, the beauty of train rides and why we should be like trains sometimes. And other random things.
If you want to read about this, you're welcome to continue reading. :)
One more thing: Not everything in this post seems to be logical. I often write senteces completely out of context. I always write like that in my journal. Usually it's a lot worse than in this post.
Please ignore incorrect grammar, weird sentences and typos (I was a bit lazy at proof-reading this whole thing).
Enjoy and feel free to share your thoughts :)

"Sunday, 29.05.2011.
Going to bed at 2am? Nope. Went to bed at 4am.
I went to bed around 2am. 30 minutes later I was back online. I had the fantastic idea to change something at my blog, and when else to do it than at 2am? And as always when I really want to change something, Blogger's doing what it can do best. Sucking at being awesome.
I hate that, because I'll most likely forget about the idea of doing this thing with my blog pretty soon and most likely when I remember again, Blogger will be as supportive as always.
I could have gone back to bed after this disappointment, but you know...I didn't. Why should I? I got up again to do something, I couldn't do it, so why going back to bed without doing anything.
I don't know what was wrong with my yesterday, but I was super chatty. On the internet. Not IRL. I already talked a lot on Twitter before midnight, but chatting through the world is even more fun, when you do it late at night when your brain isn't working properly anymore and you feel kinda drunk and high even though you've never been neither drunk nor high.
I like that. I don't know if it was a good idea to log into Tumblr as well. It was okay that I reblogged too much, but it was definitely not okay that I came across "I wanna go crazy" - David Guetta. This is like the worst thing that can happen to me at 2:30 in the morning. Party songs and songs with catchy beats.
And damn you, internet! Why do you support YouTube at freaking 2:30 in the morning so I can't stop listening to a stupid David Guetta song. You should have kicked me out like you do it every time I want to watch a new Vlogbrothers video.
It's on repeat since last night. I can't stop listening to it. I hope to get over it soon, otherwise it could happen that I purchase it via iTunes. That's what happened with Lady Gaga and MIKA. I don't regret it. I just have to try not to buy too much music. btw, I'm listening to MIKA right now, I'm on the train on my way to Vienna. And this time I managed to open the window and there aren't many people, but 4 dogs and 6 bicycles and "Hey boy. Where's your girlfriend?" is a questions I'd like to ask this one guy. If you see a couple every week and then suddenly there's only one of them you tend to assume they broke up. I hope they didn't. Would be sad.
Where am I? I don't konw. What is this? Tauchen-Schaueregg? Wait, wait, wait, dang. No Ausschlag-Zöbern. This hole where the internet never works.
I hope to get away for a weekend in June. A weekend at the beach would be aweseome. I have to get out of here and see something different. I always see my hometown, Vienna and the train. I don't have anything against all these places, but if you see these things all the time and nothing else you get sick of it.
I'm kinda worried that I won't make it to the US in time. I mean, I'm 100% sure taht I'll make it to the US someday in my life, but I'd like to go now. I want to go there and hang out with Hope and Shaynie and I'm afraid that it is never going to happen and I freaking hate tunnels. I hope to have them as friends for the rest of my life, but the internet is a fast working place. Time on hte internet is a lot faster than in real life. Creating and forgetting goes hand in hand. It's a constant process of discovering stuff and saying "Awesome, and now let's move on". Nobody will waste his/her time thinking about what you tweeted two days ago. Nobody cares what you reblogged a few hours ago on Tumblr. Maybe some people do, but most of them don't.
That's why I'd like to go to the US and meet the people I want to meet NOW. I love the internet. I often (often often) love it more than my life away from the computer, but at the same time it scares me. I feel like if things that are only based on the internet, which can only breathe and live through the internet, can float away so easily. Float away and never come back. I also hate bends.
I don't like the whole rushing of the internet and I don't like it taht it makes me rush even more in real life. What I should do is calm down and be confident enough to believe that i'll still have my awesome friends in two or three years when I probably have the money and courage to fly to the US.
But I don't have any of these things.
i have so much hope that my life will be different by the end of the year. I really believe in it. And I don't know how much different everything's going to be, but I hope to be at least happy and I hope to do something with my life that I actually like. And get out of university asap.
Maybe I can deal with the speed of the internet then and enjoy it the way I do it now but with more hope.
There's water in the parched river. A thing I've never seen before.
I seriously have to pee. Excuse me for a moment.
Dang it, there's someone at the toilet since like forever.
Not anymooore.
Back. Do people always have to smoke on train toilets? Do they? Do they? Do they?
No, they don't. But they will as long as train toilets exist.
Wr. Neustadt. Ja, ja. That's good. It means only 30 more minutes and also, there'll be an end. The end of another uneventful train ride, the end of this journal entry and probably the end of many other things I don't know about.
And it blows my mind that I'm listening to Any Other World. It blows my mind because I'm writing about the end and Any Other World always makes me feel sad. Train rides make me sad as well.
I love them. I love how you move through the world and the world moves away from you. I love how you can focus on different things, make the world blurry, let bricks melt together. I love that.
You can do the same thing in a car, but trains move through much more fantastic places and trains calm you down. They're going through the world steady and gentle. Without a hurry.
Maybe we should be like trains sometimes.
I'm impressed by my own writing. When I started writing I thought it's going to be a fast one. One with many jump-cuts. Instead I went deep inside me and wrote what has to be written. Isn't it like I just said? We need to get away from the "let's move on" and calm down instead from time to time.
I think I should stop this. We're almost there. This made me sad, but it feels good.
I said so much and still, there is so much I should tell you. You know that. But you're patient and forgive me every time. Thank you.
See you someday, somewhere.
And I bet it's someone's birthday today. It feels like a birthday. But I can't check it. What a pity.
P.S.: Sorry, 5 dogs."



Have a nice week. Bye.

Home, where are you?

Where Is My Home?

Nothing matters more to a child than a place to call home. 

– Brenda Donald

What happened with my home?

I don't know it anymore.

I had one long ago. 

I split it into two.

I split it into two nowheres.

I tried to live alone, but lonely is so lonely, alone.  

– Any Other World, MIKA

What is home?

Is home where your family is?

Is home where you spend most of your time?

Is home where you like to be?

Is this home?

What is it?

I don't know it.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. 

– Robert Frost

I don't have one anymore.

When I come home 

I want to go home

And there I want to go home again

But neither home is home.

It's all an endless circle of being alone.

Whatever happened with my home, I would like to have one again.

we should fix the salad.

mom: i should fix the salad. 

me: why should you fix the salad?

[...]

me: [...] i mean, why do you have to fix the salad? who broke it? i didn't touch it. did you break the salad, mom? if you did, YOU'D BETTER FIX IT!

Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan

1. this was a joke of the "me" in the book. but it stuck in my head.

2. i should try to fix the salad i broke.

3. which is, of course, not salad.

4. we all should try to fix the salad we broke.

5. i read this book in one day. 310 pages. i couldn't stop reading.

6. you should read this book. it's hilarious.

7. attention:

a) it contains a lot of cussing. i didn't mind.

b) if you're not okay with homosexuality you probably shouldn't read it...

c) ...or probably you should read it because of that.

d) never mind. i don't mind if you do not agree with homosexuality.

e) as long as you don't hurt/insult/etc. people who are gay.

Thanks. 

 I do what I do, you do what you do and let's agree to disagree when we don't agree. :) 

                                                        -Hope

And I'm not only talking about homosexuality. This "rule" is true for [almost] everything.

out of an act of friendship

People love to collect things.

Books.

Stamps.

Autographs.

Hugs.

Memories.

I have a non-collection.

It all started with a girl at school.

Who wasn't even a real friend to me.

Her name was Lisa.

I cut out Fred Basset comic strips from the newspaper for her.

Because she loved them.

And she had a dog like Fred whom I never met.

But her family didn't get the newspaper.

We did.

I cut them out.

Every day.

For a year.

The summer came.

And I didn't see her again.

She went to a different school.

And I.

I continued to cut out comic strips.

Every day.

For two years.

It became a habit.

Out of a simple act of friendship.

Now I have hundreds of comic strips.

I haven't read all of them.

I never cared much about them.

They don't mean anything to me.

But I have them.

I have them.

I don't need them.

I don't know what to do with them.

But I can't throw them away.

I'll never tell them. You're an exception.

I want to fly away...

...and don't leave anybody behind.

I want to love...

...and never see my name in a tree.

I want one to show me the right direction...

...and go my own way.

I want...

...and I don't.

Location: The park around Schönbrunn Palace. The best place of Vienna.


Note #01: Second best place is the Central Cemetery.

Note #02: People never get it, that those are the best places, but they are, they just don't see it.

Note #03: I'll never tell them.  The less people know it the better it is.

Dreamer

I love it to see kids with balloons.
But I love it even more to see a man with a balloon.
I like it when people don't hide the child inside.

Picture taken in October 2010. Vienna.

(actually I followed this guy and almost run to get close enough to get a picture...hard work...sorry, it's a bit blurry)

(the girl just happened to be in the picture...great coincidence)

Alive...Thoughts from the Cemetery

 I walked on the paths through the cemetery.

I didn't pay attention on where I go.

I walked and just went on.

I wasn't scared to get lost.

I felt save. 

I felt secure.

Secure in the middle of 3 million dead people.

A place full of silence.

A place where many people find their final rest.

As I walked on the gravel path

I looked at the beautiful tombstones.

At all the details.

I looked up to figures out of stone.

Angels, Soldiers.

Birds were sitting on their heads,

on their arms.

I looked around.

Felt the nature,

the wilderness between the graves,

as a bunny crossed my way.

This place is alive.

Where one life ends the next starts.

And that's okay.

It may seemed odd 

to see a man jogging through the cemetery.

It for sure is strange

to see a bus circulating at this place.

But it is okay.

It's okay to share a place with dead people.

Not to forget them.

And I went back to the gate.

After spending an hour at the calmest place I've been in a long time.

And I was scared.

Scared to step back in the world I came from.

It was hard to leave,

but I knew I'll come back.

Alive.

Location: Zentralfriedhof (Central Cemetary) Vienna. 3 million dead people. Second largest cemetery of Europe. And the calmest and most impressive place I've been in ages.

Note #01: The picture is one of the few pictures I took. It felt so wrong to take pictures of graves. It's like taking pictures of houses you came across. It's private...what do you think?

Note #02: Yes, I'm kind of turning into a poet...still don't like poems...

To be honest...

 "It's not that I hate people, I just feel better when they're not around." 
                                                                                          - Henry Chinaski in Bar Fly (haven't seen it)

autumn dreams

a dream

autumn

a perfect day

my favourite season

my favourite town

my favourite place

and dreams

in a hectic world

 

i'm a dreamer

i don't care that i'm not supposed to take a rest in this world

i take it anyway

and dream

   (this guy walked around with a balloon...now you have to imagine: I saw this guy, grapped my camera and run behind him to get a picture...)

i'm not alone

but still i am.

If this sounds a bit like a poem: I'm sorry. 

It's late after midnight.

Perfect time for deep thoughts ;)

My name is Antonia...

Have you ever wondered where your name comes from?
What its meaning is?
Or have you already checked it out?
And the most important question: Do you like your name?

I don't really care about name's meanings. But I love to check out the meaning of names just for fun and to decide whether the meaning fits to the people I know or not.
Sometimes it really fits to the person.

So what does Antonia mean?

(yes, this is my awful handwriting...)

Antonia is Roman origin and here is a description of "how to pronounce Antonia" I found at wikipedia.com.
"Antonia can refer to the girl's name Antonia, which (in English) is pronounced anne-TONE-eeh-yah or ann-TON-ya."
I didn't know how to pronounce my name in English, but here it is.
We pronounce it a different way...
Pronouncing a name isn't that easy. Sometimes I have big problems with pronouncing foreign names. I'm sure some of you would laugh really hard hearing me pronouncing your name.
Embarrasing, I know...

My name's meaning is "priceless", "beautiful" and "praiseworthy".
I think I can live with that fact. ;)

Wikipedia also suggest some nicknames. Toni, Tone, T, TT, Tonia, Ant, and Anto
I don't have a nickname and I don't want to have one. I'm glad that nobody ever had the strange idea of giving me a nickname.

I'm Antonia.

I like my name.
I hated my name for years, but now I'm okay with it.
I didn't like my name, because I considered it as too long and it is such an uncommon name. I didn't know anybody who has the same name.
But now it's great to be "unique", but at the same time I'm meeting even more and more people having the same name as I have.

This was a short story about my name.
Tell me your story...