I tried to figure out how life has been four years ago when I first started university. I couldn't find anything on my blog and I don't have my older journals here in Graz. And to be honest, I didn't dig that deep. It's scary matter.
I tried to look it up, because I can't remember anything. I know it happened, I know that I was a university student, but I can't tell you anything about it. So I guess I just have to tell you about now without comparing it to the past.
Basically, I'm done. It's the fourth week which for me marks the first week of skipping classes. Not all of them. Not yet.
Once I start skipping classes it's very hard for me to go back.
The problem is, that my brain is not working. I can't read, I can't prepare for classes, I can't do my homework properly, I can't concentrate on anything for longer than a minute. It makes me want to hit my head against the wall. Over and over again. Until it hurts. Just to feel something.
It's extremely frustrating. I didn't have that much of a problem with my brain during the past 1,5 years when I didn't attend university. Of course, I did notice it and I cried about it a lot. It made me angry. But I didn't necessarily need my brain functions.
Now that I have to actually work with my brain and use it, it makes me feel more useless than ever.
It's the worst pain I know. Without the ability to educate myself, I don't see any sense in being alive.
That's probably one major reason why I started to stay at home instead of going to classes. The more time I spend at university, the more I get confronted with this massive problem that seems to be impossible to solve. And the more my brain is required to work, the more I wish that I could escape. Escape life.
It's basically some sort of protection. A kind of protection that makes everything even worse. I hate myself for not attending classes. Everything's in risk again.
And what's really worrying me, is that my troubles with concentration and memorizing things is no longer limited to studying and university, it's spreading to other parts of my life. Work for example.
It happens quite a lot that customers ask for a book or information and I tell them that I'll look it up on the computer. And they walk around the shop while I search for the right information. When I look back up I have not the slightest idea who asked me this question. And yes, this also happens when there are only about three customers at the store. It's embarrassing and it scares me a lot.
I no longer know what to do.
3) So maybe the way you are living your life is just perfect for you (besides those thought circles in your mind - you don't need them, right? ;) ) I mean, working in a book store is quite a cool thing to do. You're helping people and are interacting with them, you are surrounded by books (great thing if you want to educate yourself) and you're part of a team. For me this doesn't sound useless at all! Society needs people who help other people to find the right book! Maybe you now think thats not enough. Please think a little more positive. Actually this is a lot. Plus you have the free time to attend one class at university. ;)
ReplyDelete4) You're scared because you don't remember the faces of people who asked you sth in the shop. I guess thats just a matter of mindfulness. When I'm too busy with myself I often don't recognize people or hear what they say. I mean, I hear what they say, but it doesn't really enter my mind. I think this book store is a great opportunity to train your mind in focusing. Don't be too hard with yourself - just try to consciously perceive the face of the one asking you sth next time. Maybe it works. And if not - try again. I'm sure there will be many opportunities to try. Just don't take it too serious, try to see it as a game. It's ok to loose.
5) Saying this there pops up one last thought in my mind: Our problems in life often seem very serious and unbearable. Then we think about it and think and think - but it won't help. In these situations it's better not to think about it anymore..at least for a few hours. It's quite useful to practice a kind of mental hygiene in those cases...to be aware when one begins to think in the old ways and then consciously decide to think something else. This is very hard sometimes, it needs patience and practice, but it can work.
We're sowing seeds in our minds with every thought. Every negative thought strengthens our negative view of the world and of our lives. But there are so many positive and beautiful things, too. We just have to see them and be grateful. Maybe the next time that you have the feeling of being useless or not enough, you could try to think of the good things in your life? I mean, we're so lucky here in Austria. We have such a high quality of life, there's no war in our country, we have a place to stay and enough to eat. You have friends who care for you and a nice job. I'm sure you appreciate all this, but often you're so occupied with bad thoughts about yourself and your life that this has become more important, it seems.
So please don't stress yourself too much, do everything step by step, let your expectations go and practise mindfulness (positive) thinking. Think of something else if you're entering your thought circles again. Something that puts you in a better mood. I'm sure there is something.
And please know that you are a beautiful person who contributes her part to the world (I know it's a great part). You're not useless at all! You even care for animals and the environment (thank you for that!!). Believe me, you're perfect as you are - you just don't see it. Try to love yourself a little bit more, try to be more patient. You care for so many things, you try to do everything in the right way - that's fine, but sometimes I wish you would care a little bit more for yourself. You're hurting yourself so much...and it's just not necessary.
So...last words before I post this...
Please don't be angry, if I said sth wrong or if I unintentionally hurt you with my words. I just had the feeling that maybe it would be better to write them than not to do it. Maybe it's all rubbish. I won't be angry if you delete this post. ;)
All the best,
anonymous
I'm following your blog for quite a while now and sometimes - but especially today - my heart beats a little bit faster, because I'm so getting worried... I often have the feeling I should say something, but then I don't (mostly because I'm scared you wouldn't want to read it)...
ReplyDeletewell...today's the day.
While reading your posts I often get the feeling that you're just stressing yourself too much. I mean all this "my brain doesn't work as it should" and "I'm not good enough for anything" stuff. I have several thoughts about this...I'm really not sure if you wanna read them - I mean - who am I to tell you what I think about your thoughts? But I guess this blog has a purpose and maybe one part of this purpose is to interact with people like me. ;) If you're not interested in other peoples thoughts about your thoughts (understandable), then just skip the rest and know that there are people out there who read your posts, who care and are worried and would like to help...
So my thoughts on your post here...
1) My brain wouldn't work either if I had such enormous pressure on my shoulders and if I would expect so much of myself that it would be just impossible to measure up with all this. The more you get frustrated and angry the less you have the ability to think clear - but that's completey human! Everyone deals with these problems from time to time! That you can't let go of these frustrating thoughts and are now overly concerned with the matter (I guess you're thinking this over and over again?) could be the reason why you now have the impression that this confusion or non-concentration is a permanent state of your mind. I think that your high expectations are actually far more permanently present in you than this non-concentration. So please stop stressing yourself out. Just do as much as is good for you. Maybe you could just attend 1 or 2 classes at university instead of 5(?)? - Educating yourself can also mean to attend just 1 class in a semester. And of course thats not as much as 10 classes - but it's also EDUCATION, it's one step further and sometimes one step at a time is all we can do. And that's ok, if we let it be ok. We don't always have to do everything in a hurry - although society too often wants us to believe that. I think we can see it from another perspective.
2) Speaking of perspective: You may think sth like "but then it's going to take eternity to achieve this fucking degree". Well - maybe? But who cares? And this is the other perspective I'm talking about: Maybe it's just not necessary to have this degree. When I'm reading your blog posts I often get the feeling that it's not really the certificate you would like to have. It's just the view beyond one's own nose, isn't it? And that's great. Please don't let yourself talk into striving for sth you don't really want for yourself. That's not what makes you happy.
What makes me happy is to be contempt with what I am and what I have. And that doesn't have to be much - it just should fit in the grand picture. It should comply with my needs and my wishes. To figure out what these are is the tough task. But this can also take time. It needs a clear mind and a clear heart. High expectations are very counterproductive because they often lead in the wrong direction. In many cases they don't originate from our deepest needs and wishes but from wishes our parents (or someone else) have. This is what we have to find out and isolate.
Dear anonymous,
ReplyDeletethank you very much for your much appreciated comment. Leave as many thoughts and comments as you wish. That's why this blog has a comment section. If I didn't want comments I would simply close the comment section or block anonymous people.
I already had a nice reply to your comment all written down and then I accidentely closed the tab. Yay to that. So here's the shorter version of it since I don't want to re-write everything and to be honest, I can say the same thing in fewer words as well without missing out on anything.
First I thought about adding a lot to your comment. But I resisted. It's your opinion, your thoughts and I don't have to argue about that, since there wasn't anything insulting in it. And I wouldn't say that you're wrong about the things you said.
But there's one thing I want to make clear. I do know very well that my brain is messing with me and that I'm not useless at all and that I'm an intelligent woman. I wanted to make that clear with the post title, but apparently people don't really care about post titles... "your brain is playing tricks on you, my dear". That's how it is.
The thoughts in this post are from the side of the brain that controls pretty much everything I'm doing. And then there's the side that tells me that the other side is wrong about everything. The problem is, that the "bad" side of my brain is currently a lot stronger than the other one. And no, I can't simply switch to the other side and make the good side stronger. It's not that easy. That's one of the many reasons why I need therapy so badly.
Knowing that I'm intelligent doesn't help at all as long as I don't believe and feel it.
That's why it doesn't help at all when people tell me things like "But you are usefull. And you're important to me" or "You are such a smart girl!" All I can say to that is "I KNOW!"
I hope you get what I mean...at least a bit...
I wish I could believe myself.